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It can be difficult to know how to navigate grief at any point in time—there is no roadmap for grief, a variety of grief reactions exist, and grief can look very different from one loss to the next. At certain times, such as the holidays, grief might be heightened.1
As the holidays approach, grievers may find themselves dreading the season or feeling overwhelmed, worrying about how to handle gathering without the deceased loved one, fearing being saturated in grief, or questioning whether it is okay to celebrate and feel happy amidst loss.2 Sometimes, they might worry they aren’t sad ‘enough.’
The following tips can help you prepare for the holiday season and feel more in control over what can be a difficult time.
There isn’t a “right” way to grieve or to experience grief around the holidays, but if you are experiencing challenges, the following coping approaches might bring support and comfort, leading to a more manageable or healthy holiday experience.
7 tips for navigating grief during the holidays
1. Learn about grief
Grief is complicated, but it’s also completely normal to feel it sharply before, during and immediately post-holidays. You aren’t alone in your grief, and there is nothing “wrong” with you. The absence of the loved one may feel particularly hard at the first holiday gatherings. Recognizing this and acknowledging related feelings with others can be helpful. It’s also helpful to know that there are many ways to grieve, and each person has a right to their feelings. It’s important to have compassion for and avoid judgement of your own or others’ feelings, as everyone is navigating grief in their own way.
2. It's okay to express your feelings
Expression is helpful for coping with grief. Concerns about the holidays can be explored with a trusted friend, family member, professional or support group. Feelings can also be expressed without speaking with others, though therapeutic writing activities like journaling. One such activity is to set a timer for three or more minutes and write out any thought that comes to mind, without censoring or judging feelings.3,4 The process may lead to a better understanding of your headspace and grieving process.
Another helpful writing exercise is to write a letter to the deceased loved one. Express what you miss about them, and how you are feeling about experiencing the holidays without them. This exercise may bring a sense of connection to the loved one and can help to move stuck feelings.5
3. Be flexible with holiday traditions
Understandably, the holidays will feel different after a loved one has died, and all family members may need to manage expectations around traditions. It will be important to be flexible and creative with holiday traditions.6 Remember that it’s okay to ask for a change of pace if doing your regular holiday routine feels too painful.
For example, if a host who might typically cook for the family does not have energy to do so, shifting to a potluck meal might be helpful. If the person who died was in charge of a ritual, it will be important to either pass along the ritual to a different family member or create new rituals and traditions. Creating rituals to honor the loved one, such as sharing favorite memories, making one of their favorite foods, listening to one of their favorite songs, lighting a candle in their honor, or wearing clothes in their favorite color, can help to feel connected.
Traditions may change, but holiday gatherings can still bring a sense of connection and meaning, as well as an outlet for honoring the loved one.
4. Draw from past coping skills and advice
Previous coping skills with any loss in life can be helpful when experiencing grief during the holidays. It can be difficult to bring coping skills to mind in the moment when we need them, so keep a running list of coping approaches to draw from.
Many of us have blocks when it comes to giving advice to ourselves, yet we are able to give helpful advice to others. Pretend someone in your same position is standing in front of you, seeking support. What would you say to them? Write down what you would say to others so you can apply your own sage advice to yourself!
5. Take care of yourself
Grief often causes dysregulation in the body.7,8 It is essential to take care of yourself when grieving, even when it feels like too much work. A checklist can help you remember what to do to take care of yourself.
Make a list of actions that help to keep you moving, such as drinking water, getting fresh air, and eating meals, and a list of actions that can quickly bring a moment of calm, such as planting your feet on the ground and taking a few deep breaths or drinking a comforting cup of tea. Even two-minute actions can bring some relief, if done mindfully, with the intention to calm the body.9
When you are at a holiday event, personal self-care rituals can help to bring comfort. Wear a soothing perfume, put on comfy clothes and don’t worry about dressing up, and most importantly, don’t be afraid to ask for space or time alone. It’s okay to step outside for a moment or even go home early if things feel too overwhelming. Ask a trusted loved one to reach out to guests beforehand with recommendations about what you will feel comfortable talking about.
6. Don't be afraid to cry
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to act a certain way during the holidays so that everyone has a fun and positive time. But if you’ve lost a loved one, pretending to be happy can do more harm than good. Remember, you are more important than one family dinner. It’s okay to be outwardly sad and even cry in front of others if that’s how you’re feeling. Sometimes, being open about your sadness can invite others to do the same, which gives space for people to comfort each other.
7. Plan ahead and set boundaries
As you anticipate any potential challenges around the holidays, you can gain a sense of control by planning ahead, thinking carefully about what you can and can’t handle and remembering that you have choices.6 For some people, the holidays will pose challenges, while for others, the holidays may be comforting. If visiting all day with others sounds overwhelming, you might decide to attend a gathering for a short time or not attend altogether. It’s not always easy to let others know that your own plans are changing, but you can practice ahead of time how to communicate what you need, and you can offer compassion and understanding to yourself and to others regarding decisions about the holidays.
By thinking ahead, you can recognize what you might need to enjoy the holidays. For example, you might decide to skip a large event and plan for a smaller get-together, like a walk in the park, instead. Or you might prefer to take over cooking so you can focus on doing something other than sitting around and talking.
If you don’t feel like you can say no to attending an event, or if it’s not realistic to say no, you can have a plan in place for unwinding and rejuvenating after the gathering, like going to see a movie or a quiet bath at home.
Alternatively, you might find that thinking about the holidays brings joy and connectivity, and you’d rather be in the center of things, participating and planning. It’s okay to want to be around others and seek out joy in your loved ones. If you find that extra social support beyond the holidays helps, you can make plans to meet with others after the event has ended. Some people feel better when they have standing plans with friends or family, like a weekly coffee date.
It's important to be flexible and gentle with yourself. You might have a plan in place that changes. It’s okay to give yourself permission to re-assess. It can also help to let others know that you are feeling vulnerable or are still figuring out what you need as you navigate grief. Tell them you appreciate their understanding and flexibility.
Sources
1. Donna M. Wilson, et al. A scoping research literature review to map the evidence on grief triggers. June 5, 2021. Found on the internet at https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34157614/
2. Kenneth J. Doka. Grief is a Journey. Finding Your Path Through Loss. Atria. 2017
3. Natalie Goldberg. Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within. Shambhala Publications. 2005.
4. Julia Cameron. The artist's way workbook. Penguin. 2006
5. Lene Holm Larsen. Letter Writing as a Clinical Tool in Grief Psychology. Omega (Westport). February 2022. Found on the internet at https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35156445/
6. Pauline Boss. Loss Trauma and Resilience. WW Norton & Company. 2006
7. Isabel Seliger. The biology of grief. The New York Times. April 22, 2021. Found on the internet at https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/22/well/what-happens-in-the-body-during-grief.html
8. Claire Bidwell Smith. Anxiety: The missing stage of grief: A revolutionary approach to understanding and healing the impact of loss. Hachette UK. 2018
9. Emily Gurnon. Funeral planning in the time of COVID-19. Next Avenue. April 7, 2020. Found on the internet at https://www.nextavenue.org/funeral-planning-coronavirus/
